I was a Teenage Moisture Farmer
by Sparky McAllaster
Summary: A boy and his rise to power
1. Chapter 1: The Beginning

"Aw Dad, can't I go shoot some womprats with my close friend and insignificant character Jarvis Kaalim?" asked young Dingo Barblatz to his father quizzically, his voice rising questioningly at the end.

"Now son, you know that you have duties that you need to take care of. The sooner you get them done, the sooner you can go hunt those pesky varmints."

Dingo was really frustrated that his Dad didn't let him do what he wanted. "You never let me do what I want!" yelled Dingo.

"Actually son, I've been letting you do whatever you want all these years, and maybe that's the problem. You've been a spoiled little brat, and it's about time I swatted you about the buttocks with a light saber to teach you a lesson."

Dingo knew this was an empty threat, because the family didn't actually own a light saber. They didn't really own much of anything, because, unfortunately, they were poor moisture farmers living on the ice planet of Hoth. Now, you're thinking why would you need a moisture farmer on Hoth? It's an ice planet, so all anybody would actually need to do to get some water - or "moisture"  
as some people like to call it - would be to just grab a hunk of snow. And, the answer is, you don't really need moisture farmers at all. Which is why they were so poor. You see, it all comes down to supply and demand. There was a crapload of supply and also a crapload of demand (because people, being human and all, need water to live.) The problem is that since they were able to get it all by themselves, nobody was willing to actually buy the "moisture".

Anyhoo, Dingo went out and tended to his chores. They were dull, nameless chores which I won't even bother to describe, they were so boring and dull.

At the end of the day, when the four suns (give or take) of Hoth set, Dingo went back to his little cave which his family shared with that big abominable snow monster thing to save on rent. They liked to call him "Da 'Bom". They'd be like, man, you're "Da 'Bom!" Because he actually was pretty cool. Jingo and 'Bom would chill out (get it?) and listen to records all afternoon. It was fun. He was also really snuggly.

One day, Dingo and 'Bom were sitting around in the cave playing that chess game thing with the holographic board except they were so poor that their game was not holographic at all. Rather it was made out of an old cardboard box, and they used those little twisties you use to tie the trash bags shut to make the little monster guys.

Then, there was a knock on the cave.

"Who is it?" yelled Jingo's mom.

"It's Muldoon Carvassian. I've come to collect Dingo. He's going to be a Jedi, even though he's way too old and has thusfar shown no perceivable talent."

"But wait a second, I don't know you at all. And why do you need him to be a Jedi? I thought the Jedis were all dead."

"No, they're not all dead. Just because we're on the planet Hoth doesn't mean we're in the timeframe of Episode 5, or 'V' depending on your mood."

"Good point," said Jingo's Mom, who is not actually his real Mom. Damn it I gave it away. Fuck. "Okay, then, Jarvis, have fun! Don't get light sabered!" 


	2. Chapter 2: The Middle

Like 20 years later - long after Jingo's actual teenage years were over, as well as his moisture farmer years - Jingo was a Jedi Master. It was actually really easy and uneventful for him, because it turned out that afterall, he was just crazy talented with the whole Force thing. His life was starting to get a bit routine, and he needed some way to mix it up. He was hanging out on Coruscant with the Jedi Council. He was on the Jedi Concil too because, again, he was just so fucking smart and Force-y.

Anyways, there he was with Mace the Ace and Yodawg, when all of a sudden, there was a gigantic explosion outside the window.

"I sense a great disturbance," said Yoda.

"No doi, Dipshit," said Dingo. In fact, it turned out that it was a massive shitstorm of a Sith uprising. It turns out that there were freaking thousands of these guys teaming up and plotting to overthrow the Jedi Temple.

"Quick, to the RU-486AT sky speeders!" yelled Dingo.

"Aye aye!" said Mace.

They all got on their speeders, and they freaking flew all around the bigass swarm of Sithies and they light sabered the crap out of them, slicing off bits of their speeders and arms and stuff. Just the three of them managed to do some major damage to the Sith army, and whittled them down to just one remaining Sith Lord: Darth Evilous.

I forgot to mention that Mace Windu and Yoda were knocked unconscious, so they were totally useless at this point.

Dingo and Evilous got down from their respective speeders and took out their light sabers. Dingo's was blue. Evilous, who was a total badass alien with seven arms, had seven light sabers, and each was one of the colors of the rainbow: red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, and violet. In the universe in which these guys lived, there was a mnemonic that they used to memorize the colors of the rainbow, by the way, which was: "Ro Yg, B. IV". Ro Yg was the founding father of the planet Bamarangu IV. For what it's worth.

Dingo, alas, was no match for Elivous and his seven light sabers. By the way Elivous used to have eight light sabers. Turns out that having that many light sabers is not actually a super smart idea if you want to actually keep all of your limbs.

Before Evilous killed Dingo in a very nasty way involving all seven light sabers, Evilous revealed to Dingo his true parentage.

"Dingo," said Evilous totally ominously, "I am your mother!"

"Noooooo," said Dingo, and then added, "!" 


	3. Chapter 3: The End

Jingo was defeated by Darth Evilous, for sure, but he was still a ghost. True Jedis never really die. Their souls just sort of hang out, observing everything that's going on,  
and every once in a while they'll appear and just get up in other people's business.

It actually gets super boring being a non-corporeal entity day after day. It's really frustrating to watch people go about their lives, what with all their moments of happiness mixed with moments of not-so-happiness. Dead people don't really get to be happy, but they don't have to worry about being sad either, so I guess it evens out. If there was anything that Dingo missed the most, it was probably eating a good cheeseburger.

Anyway, Dingo popped by his Mom's place. She was sobbing uncontrollably, because she had just found out that Dingo was dead.

"Mom," said Dingo, after he appeared to his mom. "How come you didn't tell me that you're not my real mom?"

"Dingo, is that really you?" said Dingo's mom.

"Yep, it's me, now answer the question! If you don't mind!"

"Okay, okay, well, the fact is, your Dad had an affair back in the day, and it was really embarrassing, not so much because he had an affair, but because he had an affair with an eight-armed (at least at the time) alien. I mean, ewww!"

"When you turned out to look human, we decided the best thing to do was to just keep it all under wraps. Now that your dead, though, I guess there's no harm in telling you."

"Aw, Mom, so all this time, you were trying to protect me. That's so nice!"

"Yeah, it was pretty nice of us."

And so, here ends our story. They all lived happily ever after, except for Jingo of course, who was basically just dead, and would be for eternity.


End file.
